Don't Let The Bedbugs Bite
In defense of bed bugs. Kind of.
In the summer of 2009, I subletted a dirty 2/2 first floor apartment just a mile or two from the University of Arizona. The housewarming present was half of a moldy grapefruit glued to the top shelf of the aging, off-white refrigerator; the housewarming party was that night, when friends of the people I was subletting from just… let themselves in at 11pm. The true cherry on top was what I would discover a few weeks later: not only was this complex absolutely covered in roaches, it also had a bedbug problem.
Bedbugs (Cimex lectularius) are “true bugs” as we call the Hemipterans, and can be identified by their six legs, flattened body, and slower movements. You tend to find them along the ridges of your mattress, or in the grooves where your carpet meets the wall, or in the little holes in your couch cushions.
Now, bedbugs have a bad reputation, I get it. But they’re really not the worst critter out there. I would even argue that they’re one of the weirdest, coolest little bugs out there. As long as they’re in someone else’s house. So while I hope you don’t have them, I’d like to at least tell you about them. You know - for science’s sake.
Why Bed Bugs Are The Derpiest Pests
Ok, I might get a lot of hate for this, but I don’t care. I’ve got a scientist crush on bedbugs. They are just weird, and fun, and derpy. The plain truth is that bedbugs should not be as wildly successful as they are. They are slow, bite-shy homebodies with a propensity to have sex in really dumb ways. HOW are they on every continent except Antarctica?
Bed Bugs Are Slow AF
If you try to slap a cockroach, man, can it skedaddle. They are fast, they can fly, and I’m pretty sure they shout “fuck you” in the same pitch and tone as Wesley shouts “As you wish!!!” while tumbling down the hill in The Princess Bride. In contrast, bedbugs move much slower and will squish and ooze if you manage to slap them hard enough to bust open their gullets1 full of (probably your) blood. That’s not a great way to avoid danger.
Bed Bugs Can’t Jump
Bedbugs would fail right out of middle school PT. They’re slow, flattened like you laid a book on them, and unlike fleas and cockroaches, they can’t even jump.
Fleas can disappear before your eyes as they jump away, never to be seen again. Seriously, fleas apparently have figured out how to jump through space and time, and even if you catch them, good luck squishing them with your big fat fingers.
The best a bedbug can do is tumble towards their dinners. Bedbugs are known to crawl up on the ceiling, sense where the most CO2 is coming from (your snoring mouth) then drop down on you for a late night snack. But it’s not a jump, per say. More of a leap of hungry faith.
Bed Bugs Are POLITE To Their Food
Biting behavior also differs. If you find something small and dark that is resolutely attached to your skin - it’s probably a tick. Bedbugs are pretty shy about their meals finding them out; ticks don’t give a fuck. One of the classic signs of bedbugs is red, itchy bumps in a line, because every time you move at night, they release you and find somewhere else to bite. Bedbugs are also somewhat polite compared to ticks - they usually don’t go inside your clothes. I’ve never had to pick a bedbug off my inner thigh #justsaying.
Bed Bugs Are Homebodies
Bedbugs are like your fourteen year old kid glued to Minecraft (or something worse) on their gaming console. If they travel, it’s only because they took a snooze in your jacket pocket while you were off to someplace sunny, or you took something they laid eggs on along with you to your next destination.
In contrast, pests like cockroaches are known to travel. When we lived in central California, our house was so clean it was nearly sterile, and yet, we still had a roach problem because our neighbors were hoarders.
Side note - I added to that particular cockroach infestation by purchasing a used book off of eBay. I opened the book and a bunch of tiny cockroaches fell out - apparently their enterprising mother had laid an egg case just inside the cover. The ootheca (egg case) and any remaining critters went to the freezer to meet their fate.
Bed Bugs Are BAD Lovers
Look, I don’t know how to sugarcoat this one, so I’m just going to come out and say it. Bedbugs are known for something called “traumatic insemination” which is basically when a male bedbug stabs another bedbug and injects their sperm. Can you imagine walking down the street and getting impaled with a sperm coated knife? Yeah, me neither.
Now the exceptionally unfortunate thing (besides the rape, ya know) is that bedbugs are also inherently stupid. They are little crawling blood bags with fewer brain cells than an orange cat on catnip. So they don’t necessarily always stab female bedbugs. Turns out the males are just going around stabbing their friends in hopes that one day, they’ll get one of them pregnant.
How Are Bed Bugs So Successful?
Okay so I’ve given you a few reasons why bedbugs are the derps of the pest world. How, then, are they so very successful? Well, it comes down to a few key things.
Bed Bugs Send You Home With Gifts
Female bedbugs lay between 1-10 eggs a day. So, they take more of a hide-and-seek approach with their young than other species do. It’s the opposite of putting all your eggs in one, itchy basket. Over her lifespan, a bedbug might lay between 100-500 eggs.
And this behavior is truly a key to their success. Let’s say you’re in a hotel room with one pregnant bedbug. She lays three eggs along the floorboards, two in your luggage, and one under the bed. Maybe the one under the bed gets vacuumed up, but the other five, they survive. She repeats the process nightly. And suddenly, you’re leaving Aruba with a dozen sibling hitchhikers that won’t hatch until you’re home in Philadelphia.
Bed Bugs Are Stealthy Nibblers
Bedbugs are remarkably good at disguising their bites. In the temperate parts of the world, it is functionally impossible to tell a mosquito bite from a bedbug bite for three seasons of the year. Both tend to bite arms, legs, and faces. Both can get disrupted and leave little clumps of bites behind. And depending on your body’s biochemistry, you may not react to them initially or at all.
When I had bedbugs that summer in Arizona, it took WEEKS for bedbug bites to start showing up on my legs. I thought they were mosquito bites because I spent a lot of time outside doing field work. But then my roommate found physical proof of bedbugs. And she promptly moved out.
Bed Bugs Are Great At Intermittent Fasting
Mealtime is where bedbugs really shine. They just poke around in the dark until they find some flesh to nibble. If they don’t find anything - no big deal. They just wait. And wait. And wait. Bedbugs have been known to go up to a year without a meal and have survived just fine, thank you very much.
They can go through a reasonable washing machine cycle, they can sit idle in your suitcase for months, they can chill in a dorm room bed over summer vacation - the possibilities are endless. They’re like the long distance boyfriend that just won’t quit messaging you.
Bed Bugs Are Hide and Seek Experts
I talked about how fleas can pop in and out of existence up there - but bedbugs almost live their existence on another plane. Their bodies are so flat that they can squeeze just about anywhere. Behind flaking caulking in your kitchen, between the moulding and the wall, into little tears or crevices in your clothed furniture. The gaps in your ceiling.
They also don’t move during the day. They are mostly nocturnal, meaning that when they’re on the move above you on the ceiling, you’ll never even spot them. They might be slow AF, but they’ve got those stealth attributes maxed.
Your Guide To Bed Bug Murder
Now, I know I’ve said they’re derpy and fun and cool and weird and I like them - from a distance. But no one wants this kind of roommate. So here are some tips for you:
Treat every piece of luggage like it has, or will have, bedbugs. This means that you put it up off the ground while traveling, and keep it closed. At home, it lives in a garbage bag or garage. Don’t let it linger in your bedroom.
Treat every piece of clothing like it has, or will have, bedbugs. When you get home from a trip, the first thing you should do is put all of your clothing directly into a washer on the hot cycle. If you can’t do that, put it in garbage bags until you do.
Check the rooms you stay in. Tell-tale signs of bed bugs are little brown/red stains on the walls, along the seams of mattress and other furniture, and in pillows and other bedding. It’s not blood. It’s bedbug poop that looks vaguely like blood because it was, once upon a time, blood.
Don’t get secondhand bedding or furniture. I know it sucks when you’re poor, but not having a couch is better than having bedbugs from a free couch. Trust me.
If you find one, do not smash it. They’re slow and stupid. Scoop it up and put it in a bag or jar. Throw it in the freezer to kill it. Video the entire process, because there’s nothing hotels hate more than you saying that you found a bedbug in a room. Get proof.
If you DO have bedbugs, don’t freak out. Get some pest control to help you out. And, look on the bright side - unlike ticks and mosquitoes and cockroaches, bedbugs don’t carry disease. They just carry the itchies.
Not a scientific term for bedbugs’ stomachs. That’s more of a bird thing. Bedbugs just kinda… let your blood hang out all around their abdomen. That’s why they squish so easily and grossly.